Daddy called this morning at 6:42, having punched the buttons of the phone for my mom, he said hello and handed it to her. Fearful and panicked she told me, once again, how something was really wrong and begged for me to help her.
It is profoundly sad to watch someone be mentally ravaged by Alzheimer’s. I find myself praying my mama will slip into a place where she is unaware of all she has lost, where the fear of what is happening will be replaced by a peace of living only in the now. Her peace, however, will be my deepest lost, for she won’t remember me.
Its twisted. She is fearful of losing all of what she knows, but it’s only in the losing of it all she will not be tormented. She begs for help not realizing the price of the relief.
Its warped. I long for her peace, and so pray for what she is longing to not happen, the losing of her memory.
Still, in all of this I am growing. I’m learning to live while I grieve, and allow myself to grieve while I live. I now savor moments and embrace unexpected opportunities, purposing to have no regrets. And, I find myself with an increasing capacity to love beyond myself.
I fully realize I’m not alone walking through challenges that press me to process the experiences of life. What are you learning in your circumstances? How are you growing?
Sow & Reap 